At first you want to do this. You are all psyched up. You are going to do this and it is going to be awesome.
For a while you can run because of that energy. You get a good pace going and you are feeling pretty good. But after a few miles, you start to feel the fatigue. You ignore it because you are happy to be achieving your goal. Then the fatigue really starts to get to you, but you don't want anyone to know that you are struggling. So you pretend to be as good as those around you who have trained properly. It continues to weigh you down and soon the only thing that is keeping you going is the momentum you have built up. And then it happens. Your body physically cannot keep running, no matter how hard you try or how much you want to keep going. The machinery is out of order. It's broken (or dislocated in our case), and it just can't love forward. You have to rest. Eventually you learn to accept these forced breaks. Then you look up and see the other runners scowling at you and saying you are lazy. You get angry, but then the sadness sets in. What if they are right and you aren't pushing hard enough? What if the whole body doesn't work is just all in your head? You try to get up, determined to not be that person. Your body still has not had time to recover but you refuse to sit any longer. You are uncoordinated, you trip and fall and are forced to sit once again. It is then that you realize all of your friends have left you behind. You really can't blame them. You were just weighing them down anyhow. So you sit there and try to figure out how to make it to the finish line. After a long time of sitting you have a bit of strength. You gently get up and take one slow step then another. You know you will have to stop again, you know your friends are probably already done and gone. All you want to do is finish the race. After that you can rest. So you keep going, keep pushing on and on until eventually you stumble over the finish line. You did it. Despite the exhaustion and pain you managed. You pledge to do it again because you know you can do it now. The only problem is this, with Ehlers Danlos the next time will be the exact same. You never become a better runner. All you can do is hope to make it to the finish line again, even though you know there will be pain and heartbreak along the way.
I wrote this to let people know that even if it may seem like I do some things I want and don't other things that are important. I want to do it all. I want to do the hard work along with the play, but sometimes I just physically can't. Please understand that I'm not blowing you off after work because I don't like you. And I'm not only hanging around for the good parts only to leave when work gets heavy. I just can't make my body do any more than it has, and I have no idea when it will happen. I'm trying my hardest even if it seems like I'm not putting in any effort at all. I'm probably just sitting on the ground waiting to have enough energy to get up and keep going.
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